Blessings

So, today has been one of those "poor pitiful me" and glass of wine kind of days.

I woke up exhausted because NK woke up three times during the night last night, which isn't like her at all.

My milk supply has been dropping  which always gets me stressed out because I am not quite ready to switch to formula yet.

Norah Kate was having a clingy day today and I know that she was feeding off of my energy.  I was grumpy to say the least.  I napped with her every time she slept today and have been eating like crazy and drinking plenty of fluids trying help out my milk supply.  My plan was to pump every two hours, but she would not let me put her down hardly any today and when I did she was fussy.

I go to dayshift Friday which has me a little stressed out I think.  I have no clue why I am stressed about that, but I have been having nightmares about my transition for a couple of weeks now.  I am also really restless when I am sleeping.  I keep waking up really panicked feeling in the middle of the night.

By the time Matt got home tonight I was practically in tears and very frustrated. I sit down to blog about my troubles and almost have to laugh at myself.  I have so much to be thankful for... so instead of whining about what may being going wrong, I am going to list things that are going right.

1. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter who has my whole entire heart!  Even on the days she is clingy and whiney, I need to embrace the fact that she wants me and is dependent on me right now.  I need to stop being so darn selfish because there will be a day where she don't want anything to do with me.
2. My husband loves me.  God bless him, because I know that I am a hormonal nagging mess. So for him to still love me and call me beautiful is just a blessing in its self.  Even if he don't pick up his dirty dishes or mow the grass... he puts up with my craziness and is a WONDERFUL father!  So many woman are married to complete butts that are lazy and do drugs or drink and are emotionally or physically abusive.  My hubby is a wonderful provider and has a loving heart.
3. I have a supportive and loving family.  I am so close with both Matt's family and my own. My mama is my best friend, and I don't know what in the world I do without all of them!
4. I have a JOB!  Not to mention, I have a job that is for the most part rewarding; a job that I enjoy going to on most days.
5. I am healthy!  No illness that I wake up and face every day.  Thank you God!
6. I have a beautiful home.  I am so proud to have a roof over my head and absolutely love our house!
7. I have a bright future and many things to look forward to.  Unlike a lot of people in todays time, there is no reason for me to dread tomorrow.

I look on Facebook and see a lot of people who post about how miserable they are and rant and nag about their husbands or their kids and I NEVER want to be that person!  I hope that even on my worst days I can be optimistic.  I have sooo much to be grateful for, and could kick myself now for even feeling sorry for myself today.

Being wife is hard, being a mother is harder, but you could not give me any amount of money in the world for me to trade places!  Count your blessings and you may just realize how good you got it :)

"A happy heart makes the face cheerful" Proverbs 15:13

Thanks for listening!

Baby Blues

After having Norah Kate, I could not wait to get home from the hospital.  I mean, they weren't really giving me anything or doing anything for me that I couldn't do at home.  Things seemed easy enough...



Well, as you all know from my previous blog about breastfeeding... things didn't continue to stay easy once I got home!  Between the breastfeeding fiasco and the hormonal surge... I was an emotional wreck.  I had learned about the baby blues in nursing school, but experiencing it was completely different!  It was probably a good thing that I did not have to have a C-section, because had I stayed in the hospital for three days (that was right around when things got tough) I probably would STILL be there!  Haha.

I have been debating about blogging about this because it is pretty personal to me still... but I think that people who may be experiencing or will experience the baby blues need to know they aren't alone.  I think there are a multitude of things that make up the "baby blues:" 

1.  Suddenly being completely and totally responsible for a little human being that depends on you for everything.  Food.  Comfort.  Cleanliness.  Nuture.  Whew, talk about stressful.

2.  Sleep deprivation.  I had my alarms set on my phone.  Crazy, yes, I know.  I had nightmares before I had Norah Kate that I would forget to feed her or change her.  Needless to say, I set alarms for every three hours during the day and every four hours at night so that I wouldn't skip a feeding.  I would try to take a nap when she was sleeping during the day, but because of my issues with breastfeeding I couldn't actually fall asleep... I was constantly researching, Googling, reading, worrying about my milk supply and breastfeeding techniques.

3.  Hormonal changes.  Like PMS on a whole different level folks.  Worse, mainly because you can't just put on your pjs and crawl in bed until its over.

4.  Bodily changes.  Umm, yeah, enough said...

(For more info, visit this site Baby Blues)

It was the craziest feeling... Things were perfect.  My baby was healthy, beautiful, and an absolute blessing.  She was not "colicky."  I had a WONDERFUL delivery, not traumatic experiences.  I had a huge support system. (Later, I told my mom that I don't see how single moms, or teenagers do it.)  But at the same time, all I wanted to do was cry. I wasn't really sure if I was cut out for this, you know, being a mom thing.  She was so perfect, I dang sure didn't want to mess things up by being a bad mom!  I had created a lot of pressure on myself by my own expectations of motherhood.

I remember sitting in her nursery, about that 4th or 5th night, holding and rocking Norah Kate and just crying.  Then I would feel guilty, because I didn't want the baby to think she was doing something wrong. I would laugh about how much I was crying.  I also remember, I think it was the 4th day, a lady from the church came to visit, bless her sweet heart, and I just looked at my mama panicked.  I gave Mama the baby and went and hid in my bedroom.  I just started weeping.  I told Mama, "I just want everyone to think that everything is okay!"  I finally got myself together and put a smile on for my visitor (I don't think I was very convincing.)  People weren't supposed to see me like this, I was supposed to have it all together.

The weepiness was worse when the sun went down.  I could be fine all day, then when it would start getting dark outside, bring on the tears.  I can laugh about it now, about how ridiculous I probably looked, but at the time it was not funny.

I started to get worried after about two days of my emotional craziness, and I told Matt that sometimes women can get post partum depression or psychosis and if I started acting too crazy to get me some help.  Luckily though, after about a week things were back to normal.  By the time I went to my 2 week post partum check up, I was much much much better.  My nurse practioner asked me about post partum depression, and I told her I had experienced the "baby blues," and she assured me it was normal.

Note:  If you are so emotional that it gets in the way of your ability to care for your child, or if you feel like you could harm your baby, get help right away, because that is a condition more serious than the "baby blues!"

I am glad that my baby blues didn't last, and that I feel better.  It is common though, to experience a little case of the blues after having a baby, just know that you are not crazy, take things one day at a time, and you aren't alone.  Rest as much as you can, and embrace the help if  you have it.  Talk to someone and most importantly, talk to your doctor if you think you need to.  Those first two weeks are rough, but I promise things get sooooo much easier as you and your baby get used to your new life!  Now two months later and there are very few tears shed, much more sleep at night, a lot less craziness, and somewhat of a do-able routine!! So hang in there! Believe me, when you start getting those precious smiles that melt your heart, you too will be able to look back and laugh (how could I ever question something so sweet?) :)