Well, as you all know from my previous blog about breastfeeding... things didn't continue to stay easy once I got home! Between the breastfeeding fiasco and the hormonal surge... I was an emotional wreck. I had learned about the baby blues in nursing school, but experiencing it was completely different! It was probably a good thing that I did not have to have a C-section, because had I stayed in the hospital for three days (that was right around when things got tough) I probably would STILL be there! Haha.
I have been debating about blogging about this because it is pretty personal to me still... but I think that people who may be experiencing or will experience the baby blues need to know they aren't alone. I think there are a multitude of things that make up the "baby blues:"
1. Suddenly being completely and totally responsible for a little human being that depends on you for everything. Food. Comfort. Cleanliness. Nuture. Whew, talk about stressful.
2. Sleep deprivation. I had my alarms set on my phone. Crazy, yes, I know. I had nightmares before I had Norah Kate that I would forget to feed her or change her. Needless to say, I set alarms for every three hours during the day and every four hours at night so that I wouldn't skip a feeding. I would try to take a nap when she was sleeping during the day, but because of my issues with breastfeeding I couldn't actually fall asleep... I was constantly researching, Googling, reading, worrying about my milk supply and breastfeeding techniques.
3. Hormonal changes. Like PMS on a whole different level folks. Worse, mainly because you can't just put on your pjs and crawl in bed until its over.
4. Bodily changes. Umm, yeah, enough said...
(For more info, visit this site Baby Blues)
It was the craziest feeling... Things were perfect. My baby was healthy, beautiful, and an absolute blessing. She was not "colicky." I had a WONDERFUL delivery, not traumatic experiences. I had a huge support system. (Later, I told my mom that I don't see how single moms, or teenagers do it.) But at the same time, all I wanted to do was cry. I wasn't really sure if I was cut out for this, you know, being a mom thing. She was so perfect, I dang sure didn't want to mess things up by being a bad mom! I had created a lot of pressure on myself by my own expectations of motherhood.
I remember sitting in her nursery, about that 4th or 5th night, holding and rocking Norah Kate and just crying. Then I would feel guilty, because I didn't want the baby to think she was doing something wrong. I would laugh about how much I was crying. I also remember, I think it was the 4th day, a lady from the church came to visit, bless her sweet heart, and I just looked at my mama panicked. I gave Mama the baby and went and hid in my bedroom. I just started weeping. I told Mama, "I just want everyone to think that everything is okay!" I finally got myself together and put a smile on for my visitor (I don't think I was very convincing.) People weren't supposed to see me like this, I was supposed to have it all together.
The weepiness was worse when the sun went down. I could be fine all day, then when it would start getting dark outside, bring on the tears. I can laugh about it now, about how ridiculous I probably looked, but at the time it was not funny.
I started to get worried after about two days of my emotional craziness, and I told Matt that sometimes women can get post partum depression or psychosis and if I started acting too crazy to get me some help. Luckily though, after about a week things were back to normal. By the time I went to my 2 week post partum check up, I was much much much better. My nurse practioner asked me about post partum depression, and I told her I had experienced the "baby blues," and she assured me it was normal.
Note: If you are so emotional that it gets in the way of your ability to care for your child, or if you feel like you could harm your baby, get help right away, because that is a condition more serious than the "baby blues!"
I am glad that my baby blues didn't last, and that I feel better. It is common though, to experience a little case of the blues after having a baby, just know that you are not crazy, take things one day at a time, and you aren't alone. Rest as much as you can, and embrace the help if you have it. Talk to someone and most importantly, talk to your doctor if you think you need to. Those first two weeks are rough, but I promise things get sooooo much easier as you and your baby get used to your new life! Now two months later and there are very few tears shed, much more sleep at night, a lot less craziness, and somewhat of a do-able routine!! So hang in there! Believe me, when you start getting those precious smiles that melt your heart, you too will be able to look back and laugh (how could I ever question something so sweet?) :)
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